ADD is very real. I'm constantly trying to keep my life together, getting the grades, maintaining relationships, and remembering to take my medications. When I take Ritalin, it works but gives me anxiety, so I have to take clonezepam. Clonezepam relaxes me, but it makes me emotional. I don't cry over stupid things, though. I cry over things that actually bother me, and the crying feels good. One night I was so depressed, so I double-dosed on clonezepam to get more sad because I hadn't cried like that in so long. It felt like a stress relief, and I wanted to stay in that emotional state. Crying seemed like an escape from my depression.
Depression I have been struggling with since I was 13. I can never find happiness, no matter what. Maybe that's an exaggeration as I do tend to overestimate situations. Happiness and sadness are temporary. It's a cyclical process for me. I'm so sick of struggling with my mental disorders. A couple weeks ago I was doing great, making it to classes, getting my homework done. Last week I was punching a wall until it hurt my knuckles because I was so sick of struggling with everything I do in life.
I'm always afraid of what teachers and classmates think of me when I don't attend classes. I tend to make jokes, just telling them, "Haha, I skipped class," even though skipping class for me means I couldn't get out of bed due to depression or I fucked up my sleep schedule for the millionth time. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing having my doctor send a note to my professor about my persistent ADD/depression/anxiety problems. It's not like I have a broken leg -- but, god, I would trade a broken leg for my mental disorders. At least others could see it and understand the pain. At least the broken leg would be temporary.
I'm not a complete failure in life, despite what I tell myself. I have a special box filled with awards I've won, notes from old friends and family to remind myself that I'm not a complete failure. I like to think I have a good resume -- looking at it helps me.
I may have to switch majors though, since I fucked up my GPA last semester after facing the worst depression and ADHD of my life, added onto to harsh family and financial problems. I don't want to play catchup for 2 semesters to get into my program, though. This whole here makes me feel like a failure, though, and taking the easy way out.
I just wanted to get this out, somewhere. Some people find it funny, but ADD is very real.
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