ADD is very real. I'm constantly trying to keep my life together, getting the grades, maintaining relationships, and remembering to take my medications. When I take Ritalin, it works but gives me anxiety, so I have to take clonezepam. Clonezepam relaxes me, but it makes me emotional. I don't cry over stupid things, though. I cry over things that actually bother me, and the crying feels good. One night I was so depressed, so I double-dosed on clonezepam to get more sad because I hadn't cried like that in so long. It felt like a stress relief, and I wanted to stay in that emotional state. Crying seemed like an escape from my depression.
Depression I have been struggling with since I was 13. I can never find happiness, no matter what. Maybe that's an exaggeration as I do tend to overestimate situations. Happiness and sadness are temporary. It's a cyclical process for me. I'm so sick of struggling with my mental disorders. A couple weeks ago I was doing great, making it to classes, getting my homework done. Last week I was punching a wall until it hurt my knuckles because I was so sick of struggling with everything I do in life.
I'm always afraid of what teachers and classmates think of me when I don't attend classes. I tend to make jokes, just telling them, "Haha, I skipped class," even though skipping class for me means I couldn't get out of bed due to depression or I fucked up my sleep schedule for the millionth time. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing having my doctor send a note to my professor about my persistent ADD/depression/anxiety problems. It's not like I have a broken leg -- but, god, I would trade a broken leg for my mental disorders. At least others could see it and understand the pain. At least the broken leg would be temporary.
I'm not a complete failure in life, despite what I tell myself. I have a special box filled with awards I've won, notes from old friends and family to remind myself that I'm not a complete failure. I like to think I have a good resume -- looking at it helps me.
I may have to switch majors though, since I fucked up my GPA last semester after facing the worst depression and ADHD of my life, added onto to harsh family and financial problems. I don't want to play catchup for 2 semesters to get into my program, though. This whole here makes me feel like a failure, though, and taking the easy way out.
I just wanted to get this out, somewhere. Some people find it funny, but ADD is very real.
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I can't tell you how to fix this, but I can tell you it will get better. I went through a similar situation two years ago and had to withdraw from classes because I was failing them all. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't eat, let alone do anything productive. Alcohol only made things worse. Now, I'm about to graduate and as happy as I've ever been. I found a friend I could trust and a psychologist I could talk with. I also started making choices to make myself happy. Anti-depressants can make a world of difference, but the biggest thing is knowing you're not alone and that you will get better. It will be okay. I promise.
this is me. every sentence is exactly my life. i am so tired of conning and bullshitting my way through college, relationships, and life in general. I've felt like this over and over and over. I've been on every fucking medication and they all seem to mask what the real problem is. what is it?? my expectations of life are not what everyone elses are. I'm happy with an 8th of good bud, a xbox, and pornhub. Its sad but true. my world is a pattern of self doubt, self hate, self abuse, and I have yet to find a way out. i give up more than i ever stick with anything. if this is what life is, you can have it, i dont want it anymore. nothing is real and reality means nothing.
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