I wish I wasn’t drunk.
It would make it so much easier to articulate how I feel about you (though, I also might be more cautious about what I say, even anonymously, so I guess it’s kind of a wash.)
You are absolutely amazing. You are so kind, and sweet and cheerful. I wish I could be like you instead of the cold, sarcastic asshole I know I am.
What’s worse is you’ve only seen me at my worst. When I tried to make fun of you in a flirty way you took offense to, when I told you my darkest secret because I trusted you so much and then tonight, when I tried to have a conversation with you while inebriated (no matte what I tried to say, it never came out quite right..)
Why am I so stupid? Why do I sabotage myself the way I do? I want to tell you how I feel, but I really only get one chance at this and if I’m not leaving the best impression possible, I’m shooting myself in the foot, aren’t I?
Really, I’m not the kind of guy I’m sure you think I am. I’m not a player (far from it,) I’m not a person who enjoys taking advantage of people (though sadly, I have,) and I’m not some depressed alcoholic (though at this current moment, I certainly feel like I am.)
I like you. I like you a lot. I broke up with a perfectly nice girl who was very sweet and affectionate because I knew I could never feel the way about her like I do for you.
But it’s not like I can tell you that. And it’s not like anyone will ever let you know that, so instead of knowing how much I care for you, you’ll only know me as the silly jokester, the inappropriate wisecracker and the drunk slob.
I wish I could start over with you. I wish I could show you the best I have to offer, instead of the worst. I wish I wasn’t such a fuck up.
You’ll keep being amazing, and I’ll keep being my awful self. And I’ll never have you. No matter how hard I try to change.
And though writing an anonymous post about it does slightly more nothing, I still feel slightly better knowing it’s out in the open for people to read.
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